The same black and white photo
of you in yellow-green
only shows a shadow
of you, even more shadowy
than photos are

and nowhere can I go
to touch your warm skin
to feel your breath
to hear your breath
speak and to kiss it

Our love
in your glance
only in photos
and they too will
no longer be there after me

Without any prospect, it's cold
and silent, however graciously
the wind may play with the snow

Behind the window across the street
children eat sweets and watch
the whirling ballet

the herring gulls in the ice-hole
they keep open, white
bobbing gulls in black water

and on the surrounding grey of ice
black spots of coot are stepping
through the white flood of flakes

the light version of the night
there is not much left
the world is closing, I miss you

I watch and linger and wait
no, not for you, for something
in myself that is not yet there

my thoughts dissolve
in the snow, like lights
that loom up and extinguish

The moon goes unseen
beyond the starlight
softly, but so far away
not giving any warmth
another night I feel
another night
the night

another night I feel
alone, like a black moon
a black moon
black moon

on which no one's light is shining
I'm breathing yes and no
whether the sun will shine
in my garden tomorrow morning
whether someone will come
someone will come
someone

who wants to stay with me
The budding flowers
and tense and winterstill
winterstill

Maybe, maybe today
someone will discover
me and all my names
maybe my flowers will open
scenting richly and full
in the gardens
of my heart

Crippled, skinny gull
puddles in the potholes
of empty streets

holes in the walls
the school closed, no one
who could leave stayed

after the riots
no one who was released
from the cells

Losses have been taken
suitcases packed
the water shut off

Old town, dead harbour
where I was at home and would
have liked to come back

clean your white stairs
turn on your lights, please
turn on, turn on again

The call-up thins out the houses
and combs out the neighborhoods
makes our lives incomplete

Even without the fallen, we already
suffer loss, loading the seconds
every day for a while

with timeless desires
and the nights remain dark
no matter how many stars

we wait for the new moon
and the living return of our
warriors and their attackers

no longer a closed border
no weakening and dividing
to rule over nothing

but a falsified nation
no mutual destruction
of wealth and families

I carried enough
buckets today

Sometimes they are heavy
Nothing to do about it
One time I will come
to know a bit, little bit
about the content

and then it remains the question whether
I would have wanted to know it before

In bed I mount
my horse, my banner
in the holder, flapping
in the speed of my wishes
lighting up in the night

of impossibilities
and a new start

The moon leads me
It empties the buckets
so that I have nothing
to lose and can jump
-- over my worries

You rushed thunderclouds
and blew the warmth
away, you blew away
I dream you

safe in my love
under waterfalls of happiness
I dream and dream
and dream again

but it keeps snowing
Is there a coat against the cold?
Is there a coat with thick pockets?
Is there a coat warm enough?

Come in my arms, with magic
you get everything you wish
Put on your blue dress
and shake your hair loose

I dream you
safe in our love
With magic the sun shines
With magic you smile at me

Too small for news
from all over the world, I
sigh, it haunts inside me
and I doubt

the future, mankind
and all the miracles
that love should
and I would like to perform

Madness haunts
the mass cities, the streets
full of shops, full of problems
that threaten business

The dead lie around sloppy
I'm dreaming of a ghost
It's me, the Saviour
Superwoman without a super-

goddess, without prayers
and laws, if possible
Only the plagues will
always be a danger

Tired of travelling
station after station
through my full agenda

Stepped out to stand still
but the madness thunders
into the blue room

deep in the underground
hotel, where nothing changes
or it isn't conspicuous

Freed from the world
the mess at home, the stains
on the floor, rest at last

Nothing distracts me
from the mystery
of sex and the speed

of life
and of the despair
with which I dream

of not belonging here
powerless, put aside
like an alien

The Beast is free, we kiss
outside the wall around
the Beauty of your fidelity

Of course we want to be
good, not stun ourselves
or stay in bed

to dream of big deeds -
figuring them out step by step
within far too many rules

We kiss, we are free
Nothing can hurt us today
We are each other's Hero

Our Love is a big deed
out of sight of the watchtowers
on the wall against our desires

Happily Ever After
on The Wall across
my home, Berlin
is my Berlin

Yet I leaf through
a travel magazine, the sea
beckons, the mountains call
echoes Action! Action!

A man smiles at me
We are angels, I give
him my fear, lend
him my room

I need to go, away
from alone, be more
than my work, promise
someone loyalty

And now he is gone
With broken dreams
everything is only half

I need to go outside
I can go every which way
but it's the same everywhere

The bargains, the hypes
Left right forward backwards
everyone in a row

Left right forward backwards
I will not participate
It is no good

It has nothing to do with me
I spit out my anger
and I crawl behind the window

I see people meekly
I look into their eyes
nobody is home

Looking far ahead doesn't make sense
hopefully, hoping does
I'm still young

He dressed you in underwear
lightly twisted the left foot
then compromised the leg

I stopped for a few seconds
because where did the idea come from
that you might be the same

You both stare through me
so independently and quietly
what is there to see in my soul?

I was looking for a difference
you look so much like her
by then, the window dresser was ready

Nice man
Saturday lunch
we feel rich

but soon we're not laughing anymore
he's crying
over a problem, I don't know what

to do
what is it that blows and turns
in his head and the people

what may they think
of him of me
I don’t know him like this

I don’t dare to
embrace him like this
this is not funny

is there then no one
to help me?
I count to ten

We celebrate the end
With school and the teachers
we look into the future

bind bandages of best
wishes on the wounds
of friendships

promise not to scratch
   We leave with flowers
      and will miss each other

We celebrate the end
Bye, colleagues, here's on your
health and happiness!

We talk and laugh
as always, as if
it isn't really

the last time
   We leave with flowers
      and will miss each other

We celebrate the end
The house is vacated, tea
with the neighbours, a long time

we just watch the tree
in our garden, growing
in the light, the growing

towards the sun
   We leave with flowers
      and will miss each other

Only now
that I look out the window
and see no canal

with swans, paddlers
and people on the terrace
do I feel it is real

and I am not a guest
in this house with a staircase
and a strange toilet

Zoe thinks about friends
at the other school
after the holidays

Coco sets urine-marks around the garden
Slipsy is not allowed to go outside yet
and we see ourselves

in Nina - She is away more and more often
Out and about, on her way to see others
and briefly home in between

We toast to it
with old and new neighbours
We toast to our happiness

I want to eat pies, be full and be fine
spray sand, barefoot drawing a squiggly line

pull kite ribbons, on top of the dune
eat cherries with the birds, in the afternoon

pick mushrooms in the forest, together
just sing and take a nap on the heather

race on a horse, my hair loose and proud
dream heavenly, not afraid of any cloud

stand in the surf like a buccaneer
lovingly beat the demons you fear

pee stars on the moon, further and further
in the fen and ever, ever go on together

ever go on together

How would I be without words?
What would I be called

if a word being would name me?
How many words does it take

to make clear that you are like I
am

so that we can make contact
can tell what we think

and have experienced
then and then --

all fleeting events
that are kept

as in a poem --
in increasingly beautiful sentences

because they stand between us
as loneliness

My good intentions have returned
undeliverable and broken, they stick
to me like a failed cake

encrusted to the baking tin
in an oven which is set too hot
Stone-hard charred crust

After weeks of rubbing the scratches
continue to itch in my soul, they scream
for attention and recognition



In the station hall, I listen for hours
to the playing of the piano, the messages
and the rustling

of the destination signs
which do not point me any direction
for a journey

to a better world
improvable with people
like me, strangers



At home I keep the curtains closed
the walls have no windows
and there is nothing I want to see

Out of town, take heed
crossing wildlife after sunset
no trespassing and we kept

talking and talking and I saw
how dark it was between the trees
a few steps next to the path

    but I was hoping, hoping
    we would try hard
    and I was hoping, hoping
    we would be honest

At the party
I asked, what do you think
will ideals fail?

and I got angry
because you said yes
and we were arguing

    but I was hoping, hoping
    we would see eye to eye
    because I was hoping, hoping
    for a life with you

Down feathers
are floating in a pond
they have sharp points

there are thumbtacks right before my door
and loose paving stones, they hop
up water that is much too dark

    but I was hoping, hoping
    it would not bother me
    yes I was hoping, hoping
    for your arms around me

You were there
for me, for me
you came as called

even though you ran away
from me, from me
the clouds drift along

and the sharp blown sand
over the deserted beach
oh, the sea, the sea

by the sea, I walk
to a dead end and yet
I keep going

without you, thinking
constantly thinking
of you

you were there for me
really, I don't cry
it's the wind

Under shiny drops
the windowsill is black
with mould, they eat
pollen and glumes, stuck
on a bed of honey-
dew from the linden trees

I'm stuck in sadness
not knowing why
   Yet you are much stronger
   do not grieve no longer
   just light up your day
   smile the tears away
sings his warm voice
in my sadness

without knowing why
tears full of melancholy
shine in my heart
with colourless desires
from the low clouds
that cry in silence

One of the many
relationships and projects
that have not failed
but not been finished

written down to be put aside:
#UK2008000269348 in the Register
of Private Unfinished Affairs

“You stood up, just like that
  we had no conversation
  not in a normal way

  you just stood up
  left me behind in the sun
  with clouds in my thoughts

  whether we are friends
  have been friends
  whether and how it can be otherwise

  and whether you could come and stand
  nude next to me, just like that
  putting an arm around my shoulders

  help! an idiot!
  I really don’t belong to him
  I don’t know him, whatever he says”

Beacon in the surf
breaker of the restless
sea, a fruitless
perseverance, woman
in one piece, sculpted

fire from primal
moving the wind
which blows water
to the earth
and feeds

the crops that feed us
primal that feeds the fire
the tacking eye of light
that sometimes reflected
and fragmented, hidden

and missed in mist
is full of tears
for the ships
at her feet
broken

It cannot be and yet
you are not with me
you don't feel

what I feel and if, if
we will meet
who knows where and how
the chance seems small
will you quickly look behind

long enough, as if
you didn't see me
or will you ask how I am
what I'm doing, and as if
we were old acquaintances

simply wish me, in the middle
of the street, the very best
one day, maybe?

Even when I cannot see them
there are ships in the bend
of the river, which keeps flowing and flowing

I'm thinking of your friends, the people
you talk to and eat with, and how
you're laughing and laughing together

The alarm sounds – nothing wrong
it's twelve o'clock, the monthly test
There is no news on the radio, no news

At night you came and woke me up:
mummy, I slept so well!
Hmm, fine, come and lie with me, lie with me

Whisper the two things I want to know:
what do you give to the ones you care about
and what else are your wishes, your dearest wishes?

In the east, the moon rises
dark in the shadow
of the earth, which starts to shine and shine

We tore our misunderstanding
in two abrasive stories

     flakes of sour air

kept our own half
just like Saint Martin
but the other way around

     between us: the shredder

we just took our right with us
it was so much work to do it away

     up to three pieces at a time

rather we armed ourselves
under the skin, the gloss
shone through it

     do not touch me

Dark clouds in the sunset glow
there's an invisible death below

Amidst apartment blocks, I stroll
around and around a new black hole
of concentrated matter

A broken-winged cargo plane smashed
friends of friends of friends of mine

It is quiet after the blow
I want to hear what I don't want to know
and then kiss away the danger
be it with a stranger

Caress me, caress me, make me glory
for a night, let me forget this story

Dreaming, I wake up
in the house of my fears

without corridors, caught
between highwalls and spirits

folding themselves almighty
around my thoughts

slowly strangling them
or inflate them to black giants

who are hungry, who are smelling me
on the ledge of death and life

darkness engulfs me, pain
awakens me in the narrow channel

that presses me into the world again
and, along with the sun and the planets

flings me away in the equilibrium
of an ordinary loiterday

in the universe, out of the night
of my fears

My clothes are heavy, pack animals
with bags full of worries, I have them
washed when I sleep, dried
in the light of the moon, breathe

Water ripples in the dark
of the gorge between the mountains
here and there fireflies
wanting to sex, they dance

in front of me to the bay
the water is still warm
like when I was a child
with mama in the bath

her soft body
the sweet, lukewarm air
that I still can smell
in the light of the moon

I spread my arms and legs
like a peacock
and draw a circle around me
only my body is still here

Barbara and Lo keep me awake
they sleep so pinkly
on the couch

their words of tonight are still flowing

I see my face
in the window like a moon
with eyes

the night is clearly
frozen time
a dream

of sleeping friendship
and a full moon
with eyes

above the icy river

In spring, the poplars enchant
the city with fluff, our clothes
are decorated, we are halfway
through Lent, it's a party

The winter witch moves through the streets
to her high chair
at the stake, everyone laughs
the brass band starts, and we
dance in the smelly smoke
that blows in all directions
it will be a year as always
good and bad, we celebrate it

In the summer we beat the flies
off our faces, everything stays
as it is, the thick tree
gets a little thicker again

Uncle climbs in, he shouts
to the sky and over the land
I want a wife, I want a wife
He throws stones at the men
on the ladder, the nurses come
I remember it all well
I'm now an old witch myself
with fluff snow in my hair

The photo opens my memory
of the freedom of the beach
space where everything is possible

where I chased my fantasies
until I flew away with them
into the sky

but there was always a noose
around my ankle, with a rope
that pulled me down again

and when I took a run
and jumped into the sea, I just
washed ashore after a while

to the family at the tables
under a roof of imitation straw
with the bride in the middle

who used to crouch here and then
looked back and winked at me
while she peed in the sand

Lean, the hands rough skin
A hoarse greeting with holes
between my sand gnashing teeth:

a scary person
I am everywhere because nowhere
I'm allowed to be, give me shoes:
as long as I walk I live

Call me Job, I don't
believe God will save me
from the underworld
where it's warm in winter

till midnight

when the doors close. Whether I hope
to wake up from the cold
I don't know, maybe

I'll do what you do and push
it into the future
Then it doesn't exist

Only if I don't pay attention
I see my thoughts
reflected in the world

and myself as a full moon
in the light of mankind
with, here and there, some spots

of defects, blood
shrinkage and disability
and shadows of bragging

then I know myself so light
as if I were the sun
as if it were me

who makes the moons shine
and the seagulls scream out
the day over the canal

Only now that I pay attention
I see the moons of my life
we are old

my thoughts and I, my world
from the new to the old moon

The rapini and the nuts
I buy from the gnomes
the rest is delivered
under the green rooflet

Not that I need much
lead and gold are just wishes
maybe a happiness
in other people's eyes

I rather live warmly
in satisfaction
a clean nest
of myself

proven solid
that aged it is
outside is chaos
and the evening chills

A peaceful view, the vase with a rose
another day passed, the curtain closed
bye parrot, you never sung any song
bye parrot, shut your eyes, the night is long

In the bathroom mirror I see
both who I was and who I am: a double me
I won't get well, and never healthy again
in my mouth the taste of amalgam
I don't enjoy meals, just give me a pill

Is anyone living in the clock on the tower?
it keeps on striking, hour after hour
and I ask myself: when will it stand still?

Why have I suffered
woven all my tapestries
that have been disposed of
after a while
or otherwise, are decaying?

The cherry blossoms are falling
see how early they fall
they snow in the night
I would like to cry

    Where have the times gone
    when the tapestries were woven
    which are decaying?

Comthreads are swimming
across my eyes, my body
aches, I do not want anymore

    Where have the times gone
    when the tapestries were woven
    which are decaying?

I am the elephant
in the middle of my room
never mind, nothing is wrong!

    Where have the times gone
    when the tapestries were woven
    which are decaying?

The children are talking
softly past me, all together
at the same time

When
my future no longer is conceivable
tomorrow a repetition of today
hour upon hour the same day

when
whens actually no longer
exist, everything needs
to be done once more

when
my breath weaker
my blood slowly
my bowels upset

when the very last question
is why
do I still long
for what I don't experience anymore

when my memories just
loiter in the time
when everything was new
seeming endless

now it is a scary idea
to long constantly
for what I miss

My home
if it still exists
in the wrinkles and grey hair
where I rest

My body
stiff from the years, all
so long ago, you too
my dear unknown

My soul
full of tears, memories
of your sweet lips
never to be forgotten

My song
my breath, still singing
where I stop
coming back

A snowy blanket
of memories
of the summer, our
cartwheels of passion
in Vlisco clothes

around my silent alone
at the window
the outside sounds
wheels under my thoughts
covering my brittleness
the weight of my soul

too heavy to bear
and too tough to smash up
cold from the past
in your warm hands
under the white sheet
so soft

My thick white naked
leg up, crooked

weak the flesh of my poorly muscled arm
the middle finger touching the top
of the big toe, a circle

an only just made contact with myself

These goings and the weary
increasingly the weary

of it all, not knowing where
with whom and when, but
anyway ever unnoticed

a turning point, passed

The water sloshes slightly
you know, I have to go
In the water, behind the railings
the breaker stands, so sure he is
Shall I tap him on the shoulder
seek his lips, or look at him a little longer?

In the hazy evening light, I
see as much as with closed eyes
Unseen there is a bird, it flaps
the sound of nothing, perhaps
my quiet heart also will disappear
forever in the infinite black over here

You know the day is over, it is easy
the water sloshes slightly there
at the bottom of the stairs where
the tall dark stranger is ready
For years he has been waiting for me
and now, I follow him to the sea

Selfless in the shared room, fortunately
unable to be unhappy
say the doctor and the monitor

Maybe in mists, light
or dark, free or lost
hanging in heaven. Abyss

Silence conceals the angel
at the gate to the Bosom
of the righteous, or is it my hand

around your hand, holding you
in no man's land, and do we still haunt
through the motionless veil labyrinth

that encloses people endlessly
in the whitest white light?
Shall I let you go, shall we

lift our anchors
from each other's bosoms
of love?

After others I see myself
dying between these walls
whirling through the day

like a butterfly, too fragile
to be able to enjoy
what life is offering

I still have my wings
In the brighter colours
of midazolam and morphine

that distort the world
past and impossible
are melted

into heaven and fear
of pain that I do not feel
until I wake up frightened

from the emergency cries
of my broken body
that calls for redemption

This last night
is quite common

her death too

little things in the house
only now catch my eye

in the slow meantime
in which I walk in and out

from her bedroom
to the others

who are waiting
it only takes a night

and we are still alive

She fell down the staircase
an ordinary staircase, in the hall
the newspaper is on the table
the bed is in the living room

Her face has a blush
it's an ordinary face, no bruises
not a single muscle that winks
A sleeping beauty

More and more she dreamed
of the past, asked me what
life was like, then, and said
come, let's have another one!

My memories with her smile
her so familiar body
that I leave here, at night
soulless alone in the house

Silent. Dark. House
All the time I'm thinking
of you, your silent steps

in my memories of
your steps in this house
blindly in the dark

from my confusion to
the love under my fear

a void now, no voice
to shout, no tears
no longer a body, lost

if I were to leave here
or live a different life
if I would like to

It's fluid that you are
no longer there, it bobs
seasick in me

When I look for distraction
I sometimes succeed, sometimes
it gets worse

When I build a tough dam
of examples how much worse
it can be, could have been

it just sloshes
over my blessings
to get attention

I don't want to keep talking about it
but there is no escape
I have to bob along

with my sorrow
shamelessly
let myself be carried

You don't know why
don't even know the difference
between the rain and my tears

You have no idea
of the sea, which is for you
what the earth is for me

And what is heaven for me
you don't have to understand
It escapes me as well

just like you elude
my hand and my feelings
elude my will

Well, what do I know
about humans and animals
about breathing in the soil?

And then there are the angels
if they exist, the choirs
who praise God about everything

and the messengers who speak
what is true and just
Listen, I cry

for their wise words
that death is no mystery
but an encouragement to live