Zywa

Trying this and that

way out, they are silting up --

I am nowhere now.



Uitweg na uitweg	Ausfahrt nach Ausfahrt
proberen, ze slibben dicht --	versuchen, sie verschlammen --
Ik ben nergens meer.	Ich bin nirgends mehr.

Poem S2520
Amsterdam, 2025-01-18
Pole (Karlheinz Stockhausen) - 1970
Improvisation-composition, for two players/singers with two shortwave receivers, on the occasion of the Expo '70 in Osaka; performed by Robin Rimbaud (electronics), Jakob Lekkerkerker (organ) and Gareth Davis (bass clarinet) on January 18th, 2025 in the Organpark
Collection: org anp ARK
Composer: Stockhausen, Karlheinz

I sometimes wish that

my next life would begin now --

I'll be happy then.



Ik verlang wel eens	Mal wünsche ich mir,
dat mijn volgende leven --	dass mein nächstes Leben jetzt --
nu alvast begint.	beginnen würde.

Poem S2516
Amsterdam, 2025-01-17
The Saint of the Impossible (Arnon Grunberg) - 1998
Novella "De heilige Antonio", chapter 14
Collection: Over
Tribute to: Grunberg, Arnon

While I am musing

the sun hesitates to rise --

and it's getting dark.



Terwijl ik mijmer	Während ich sinne,
komt de zon nog steeds niet op --	geht die Sonne noch nicht auf --
en valt de avond.	und dämmert es schon.

Poem S2442
Amsterdam, 2024-11-03
The (female) dreamer (Marin Marais) - 1717
Composition "La rêveuse" for viola da gamba, performed by Nicolas Altstaedt (cello), Thomas Dunford (lute) and Jonathan Cohen (harpsichord) in the Music Hall on the IJ on November 3rd, 2024
Collection: Pending rain
Composer: Marais, Marin

The dark night, full of

dark dreams, which lasts so long, may --

last even longer.



De donkere nacht,	Die dunkle Nacht, die
die zo lang duurt, zal misschien --	so lange dauert, könnte --
nog langer duren.	noch länger dauern.

Poem S2396
Amsterdam, 2024-10-05
Long Dark Night (Nick Cave) - 2024
Song, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, album "Wild God"
Collection: Thinkles Lusionless
Tribute to: Cave, Nick

Whoever never

had that night-black feelings can --

not know my sadness.



Wie dat nachtzwarte	Wer noch nie dieses
gevoel nog nooit heeft gehad --	schwarze Gefühl hatte, kennt --
kent mijn treurnis niet.	die Traurigkeit nicht.

Poem S2326
Amsterdam, 2024-08-27
Mood Indigo (Irving Mills / Nina Simone) - 1930
Song, sung in 1955 by Frank Sinatra (album "In the Wee Small Hours") and in 1957 by Nina Simone (album "Little Girl Blue", 1959)
Collection: VacantVoid
Tribute to: Mills, Irving; Simone, Nina
Composer: Ellington, Duke

He resigns, is deaf

to advice and does nothing --

just waits forlornly.



Hij berust, is doof	Er ist taub gegen
voor adviezen en doet niets --	Ratschlägen, er ergibt sich --
wacht verlaten af.	wartet verlassen.

Poem S2268
Amsterdam, 2024-07-13
Shame (Salman Rushdie) - 1983
Novel / Exposition with stories, part 4, chapter 12 Stability
Collection: Low gear
Tribute to: Rushdie, Salman

I leave the light on,

I'm afraid of the darkness --

here, inside my head.



Ik laat het licht aan,	Lass das Licht an, denn
want ik ben bang, bang voor het --	ich fürchte die Dunkelheit --
donker in mijn hoofd.	hier, in meinem Kopf.

Poem S2206
Amsterdam, 2024-05-30
thought- (Lidy van Marissing) - 2008
Poem "na-" (collection "Zoek de lege gebieden")
Collection: Within the walls
Tribute to: Van Marissing, Lidy

Zywa Night filter

Under the night filter
I lie awake
in hibernation

the blossoms on my skin
dusky grey, luckily
I think that, still can think

something, that's all
and the itching continues
to plague me in my head

where I can't reach it
I can only wait
until it is dissolved

and I feel again
like having cake, luckily
I can bake it myself

when I have the energy
and my thoughts
find the words again

Poem 5413
Amsterdam, 2024-01-22
Night filter: nuit américaine / day-for-night
Collection: Pending rain

She wants to die, locks

herself in, her mother calls --

and then grabs the axe.



Ze wil dood, ze sluit	Sie will sterben, schließt
zich op, haar moeder roept haar --	sich ein, ihre Mutter ruft --
en grijpt naar de bijl.	und schnappt sich die Axt.

Poem S1870
Amsterdam, 2023-08-18
suicide watch (Antjie Krog) - 2022
Poem (collection "Plunder" ["Pillage"])
Collection: Truder
Tribute to: Krog, Antjie

Zywa Falter

Can people still have a discussion with me?
I can confront you
with my falter
That searching, the slow
which I can hardly bear myself
And what do you think of me?

I'm getting smaller, too small
for everything and everyone
I know, more and more
is falling off my world
Dependent on friends
who need me

So nothing seems to have changed
but it's not like that
not the way it was
not what I was worth
I know too well what it is
to endure the day depressed

It may take a long time
that I'm not there for a while
Lost in unreachable thoughts
until I sound again like
I'm doing better
than I'm telling you

Poem 5164
Amsterdam, 2023-05-07
Collection: Greeting from before
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk

Zywa Scent of wisteria

You say: attention
is the most loving thing
you can give

I answer: carefreeness
is the most loving thing
you can have

It often eludes me
Then I lie awake
because I can't do anything

as long as there are no certainties
no current measurements and slices
for relief or a new plan

I want to try everything
to gain time
exhaust all my strength

adapt
and save who I am
what I'm worth

my head full of purplish blue fragrance
which turns my feelings blue
Blue Bluish blue

Poem 5160
Amsterdam, 2023-05-06
Collection: On living on [1]
Dedicated to: Maria Godschalk

Slow lava creeps up

on you and it swallows you --

There is nothing left.



Langzame lava	Langsame Lava
bekruipt je en verzwelgt je --	beschleicht dich und verschlingt dich --
Er blijft niets over.	Da bleibt nichts übrig.

Poem S1749
Amsterdam, 2023-04-27
I'm not there (Lize Spit) - 2020
Novel "Ik ben er niet", page 374
Collection: Shelter
Tribute to: Spit, Lize

The stupidest song

was written in a jiffy:

Painless Suicide.



De stomste liedtekst	Der dümmste Liedtext
was in een wip geschreven:	hat er im Nu geschrieben:
Zelfmoord doet geen pijn.	Schmerzlos Suizid.

Poem S1738
Amsterdam, 2023-04-16
Suicide is painless (Michael Altman) - 1969
Lyrics "Suicide is painless" (1969, Michael Altman [age 14]) for the movie "M*A*S*H" about the Korea War, 1970, Robert Altman)
Collection: Bruises
Tribute to: Altman, Michael

Zywa #sui #1

Mama woke me up
She embraced me sobbing and
stumbled down the stairs
in my arms, and I

stumbled down the stairs
in her arms, to daddy
in the kitchen, arms around each other
we were crying

but I had to go back, see
how I was
breathless on my bed
still warm

as if I was asleep, oh
you are thirteen
don't go, stay
here with me

Paramedics arrived
They put me in a bag
and carried me away
leaving me behind

Poem 5130
Amsterdam, 2023-04-10
Loss / What they say (Honey Love) - 2023
On AllPoetry.com:
"Loss", February 7^th, 2023
"What they say", February 8^th, 2023
Collection: Inflictions
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew

Zywa #sui #2

I can think what I want
It doesn't numb me
but not to feel sorrow
would be worse

I can think what I want
That they were just words
but they were deadly
anyway

I can think what I want
Let myself explode
to know nothing more
but I know anyway

I can think what I want
Not to be the honey
he slurps up
but it happens anyway

and it's not the kiss
it seems to be
and certainly not the kiss
of my dreams

Poem 5132
Amsterdam, 2023-04-10
(Honey Love) - 2019
Siera Mayhew's first publications on AllPoetry.com in February 2019 were: "Desentisized", "Thirsty Bee", "A Suicied Note", and "Numb"
Collection: Inflictions
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew

Just let me die, if

and when I can stay with you --

and you do know it.



Laat me maar doodgaan,	Lass mich nur sterben,
mits ik bij jou kan blijven --	falls ich bei dir bleiben kann --
en jij dat ook weet.	und du das auch weißt.

Poem H3750
Amsterdam, 2023-03-04
The Office - And melancholy, too (Han Voskuil) - 1999
Novel "Het Bureau - En ook weemoedigheid"
Page 351, Maarten Koning (1980)
Collection: Inflictions
Tribute to: Voskuil, Han

I'm depressed, mainly

in the morning and later --

on it goes better.



Depressief ben ik	Depressiv bin ich
vooral 's ochtends en daarna --	zumeist morgens und danach --
gaat het wel beter.	geht es schon besser.

Poem H3360
Amsterdam, 2022-07-07
Like it or not - Faxing to Ger #4 (Nicolien Mizee) - 2021
Diary-novel "Hoog en laag springen - Faxen aan Ger #4"
Collection: Out of place
Tribute to: Mizee, Nicolien

My energy sinks

away in my head somewhere --

I have a black hole.



Ergens in mijn hoofd	Meine Energie
zakt al mijn energie weg --	sinkt tief in meinem Kopf, weg --
Ik heb een zwart gat.	in ein schwarzes Loch.

Poem H3194
Amsterdam, 2022-02-10
The rat of Amsterdam (Pieter Waterdrinker) - 2020
Novel "De rat van Amsterdam"
Collection: After the festivities
Tribute to: Waterdrinker, Pieter

Zywa Creepy shadows

And now he is gone
With broken dreams
everything is only half

I need to go outside
I can go every which way
but it's the same everywhere

The bargains, the hypes
Left right forward backwards
everyone in a row

Left right forward backwards
I will not participate
It is no good

It has nothing to do with me
I spit out my anger
and I crawl behind the window

I see people meekly
I look into their eyes
nobody is home

Looking far ahead doesn't make sense
hopefully, hoping does
I'm still young

Poem 4219
Amsterdam, 2021-12-12
Scary monsters (David Bowie) - 1980
Album
Collection: Moons
Tribute to: Bowie, David

Zywa Deep down

Tired of travelling
station after station
through my full agenda

Stepped out to stand still
but the madness thunders
into the blue room

deep in the underground
hotel, where nothing changes
or it isn't conspicuous

Freed from the world
the mess at home, the stains
on the floor, rest at last

Nothing distracts me
from the mystery
of sex and the speed

of life
and of the despair
with which I dream

of not belonging here
powerless, put aside
like an alien

Poem 4207
Amsterdam, 2021-12-09
David Bowie - 1977
Albums "Station to Station" (1976, David Bowie) and "Low" (1977, David Bowie)
Collection: Moons
Tribute to: Bowie, David

Zywa I am the ghost

Too small for news
from all over the world, I
sigh, it haunts inside me
and I doubt

the future, mankind
and all the miracles
that love should
and I would like to perform

Madness haunts
the mass cities, the streets
full of shops, full of problems
that threaten business

The dead lie around sloppy
I'm dreaming of a ghost
It's me, the Saviour
Superwoman without a super-

goddess, without prayers
and laws, if possible
Only the plagues will
always be a danger

Poem 4204
Amsterdam, 2021-12-08
David Bowie - 1972
Albums "The Man Who Sold the World" (1970, David Bowie) and "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars" (1972, David Bowie)
Collection: Moons
Tribute to: Bowie, David

The longer you live,

the more reasons you can have --

for melancholy.



Hoe langer je leeft,	Je länger du lebst,
hoe meer redenen je hebt --	desto mehr Gründe hast du --
om somber te zijn.	schwermütig zu sein.

Poem S1199
Amsterdam, 2021-07-08
Bang (Ellen Deckwitz) - 2021
Column "Dreun" (in NRC)
Collection: Death on Cast
Tribute to: Deckwitz, Ellen

Pick the sticky pearls

off my pink skin, the pale worms --

of my death trial.



Pluk de plakparels	Pflücke die Perlen
van mijn bleekhuid, de wormen --	von meiner Haut, die Würmer --
van mijn oefendood.	des Übungstodes.

Poem H2914
Amsterdam, 2021-03-20
Lady Lazarus (Sylvia Plath) - 1962
Poem (collection "Ariel")
Collection: Actively Passive
Tribute to: Plath, Sylvia

Frost flowers, so pale

and bleak is the world, I stride --

gloomy like a rook.



Het ijzelt bloemen,	Eisblumenglas, bleich
de wereld is bleek, ik schrijd --	ist die Welt, ich geh freudlos --
somber als een roek.	wie ein Saatkrähe.

Poem S1145
Amsterdam, 2021-03-20
Winter Landscape, with Rooks (Sylvia Plath) - 1956
Poem
Collection: Actively Passive
Tribute to: Plath, Sylvia

Zywa Why do I love you?

Lately, I've been wondering
Will grandpa Don hug me?
Will grandpa John kiss me on the cheek?
Will my sweetie be the first person
to welcome me there?

Quite often I wonder
Why are the days so similar?
Why do people want to live?
Why are children playing?
How many years did I play?

Then I wonder
which photo will remain of me
How old will I be on it?
Is that what will be left of me?
Will I turn in my grave?

I ponder a lot
about the luck I have had
How rich have I become?
Why are our happiness treasures
our happiness measures?

I often wonder
What will I miss?
Who will miss me?
Who will find me?
And who will have regrets?

Poem 3086
Amsterdam, 2020-07-08
Collection: Bruises
Dedicated to: Siera Mayhew

Zywa My life as a ghost

My memory talks
to people just long enough
to get rid of them neatly
They don't demand answers
it's enough that I don't run away

Then why do I long
for contact, why don't I feel
anything? Because of the sense
that it is not possible
or is it due to the pills?

Will I get my body back
will I ever smell where I am
and no longer feel straight
through myself and others
with thin memories

from the time I learned
to behave
as if it matters
and I'm interesting
worth loving?

Poem 2993
Amsterdam, 2020-06-07
Collection: Greeting from before

Zywa Sometimes a spooky day

The day has overtones
but it breathes heavily in me

I can play with the themes
and bow to the applause

I can sing a counterpart
exhaust me until the evening

but the nights are too short
to recover, I have to

deliberately fling me into
the struggle, whatever comes of it

A day without suffering
is a day wasted

a day of happiness
is heaven on earth

dreamt without eyes and ears
for reality, a spooky day

Poem 2537
Amsterdam, 2019-12-09
Collection: Bruises

I just let life pass,

I don't have any bait and --

I can't even fish.



Ik laat het leven	Das Leben passiert,
passeren, ik heb geen aas --	ich habe keinen Köder --
en kan niet vissen.	und kann nicht fischen.

Poem S0947
Amsterdam, 2019-10-14
Collection: Greeting from before

Depressed, no feelings,

I think I see everything --

without illusions.



In een depressie	Depressionen:
voel ik niets, denk ik alles --	ich fühle nichts, ich denke --
objectief te zien.	objektiv zu sein.

Poem H2457
Amsterdam, 2019-05-07
The china shop - Faxing to Ger #2 (Nicolien Mizee) - 2018
Diary-novel "De porseleinkast - Faxen aan Ger"
Collection: Out of place
Tribute to: Mizee, Nicolien

I learn a lesson

from the devil in my bed:

I invented him.



Ik leer een lesje	Das ist die Lektion
van de duivel die mij streelt:	vom Teufel, der mich streichelt:
ik heb hem bedacht.	er ist erfunden.

Poem H2332
Amsterdam, 2018-12-12
Devil (Olivia) - 2018
Poem, published on AllPoetry.com on December 12th, 2018
Collection: Truder
Tribute to: Olivia (Livvy820)

I am broken, here

are the pieces, please read them --

Put me together.



Gebroken ben ik,	Ich bin gebrochen,
hier zijn de stukjes, lees ze --	hier sind die Stücke, lies sie --
Voeg me weer samen.	Setz mich zusammen.

Poem H2333
Amsterdam, 2018-12-12
Olivia (Livvy820) is active on AllPoetry.com
Collection: On living on [2]
Dedicated to: Olivia (Livvy820)

Is there a devil

hacking inside me, with claws --

of desperation?



Hakt er een duivel	Hackt ein Teufel in
in mijn lichaam, met klauwen --	meinen Körper, mit Klauen --
van dolle wanhoop?	wüster Verzweiflung?

Poem S0816
Amsterdam, 2018-12-12
Devil (Olivia) - 2018
Poem, published on AllPoetry.com on December 12th, 2018
Collection: Truder
Tribute to: Olivia (Livvy820)

Zywa Viola tricolor

Rainy days mud
my garden, the golden root is rotting

my wishing well spills over
I am spent

flaccid roads to the city
get me nowhere, no one wants

to pay for that, the world stands still
my little son is sleepwalking around me

by touch, cow and calf look
at me and frown, sighing

vapours muffled by the fine droplets
of rainy tears on the globes of my eyes

the sachets of water in which the world
always is upside down

a violet hangs and thinks:

mud will become waterproof
slate, eventually

Poem 1131
Amsterdam, 2017-03-05
Collection: Pending rain

Zywa At het quay

There's a woman lying in the street. Why?
Some neighbours watch and so do I
One of them is pointing: there she stood
and then I understand the dented hood

Were there demons in her mind
which have settled up there on the fifth
where Sebastian and Isabel lived
until they vanished
in the jungle of Peru
and no one has a clue

Then, the beeping of the coots
What chain of incidents did precede?
Didn't anybody see her need
standing there, the city at her feet?

Poem 1071
Amsterdam, 2017-02-23
Jacob van Lennepkade, Amsterdam
Collection: The Praised One

Not wanting to be

there, but still having to live --

Just for appearances.



Er niet willen zijn,	Nicht da sein wollen,
maar toch nog moeten leven --	und trotzdem leben müssen --
Dan maar voor de schijn.	Also, für den Schein.

Poem S0312
Amsterdam, 2015-07-18
The sisters (Simon Vestdijk) - 1933
Poem "De zusters" (in "De Gids", 1933, no. 3 and in the collection "Kind van stad en land", 1936)
Collection: The Praised One
Tribute to: Vestdijk, Simon

I am spurting out

of the sea, it's still too cold --

to die in it now.



Ik spurt de zee uit,	Ich spurte sofort
het is er nog veel te koud --	aus dem Meer, es ist zu kalt --
om in dood te gaan.	um drin zu sterben.

Poem H1070
Amsterdam, 2014-11-30
Letter 801 (Vincent van Gogh) - 1889
Half-hearted death wish
letter of September 10^th, 1889 to Theo van Gogh
Collection: Willegos
Tribute to: Van Gogh, Vincent

Nothing but canvas

FULL OF PAINT! No one wants this --

yellow symphony.



Alleen maar doeken	Nur Leinen VOLLER
VOL VERF! Niemand wil er een --	FARBE! Niemand will eine --
symfonie in geel.	Symphonie in Gelb.

Poem H1068
Amsterdam, 2014-11-29
Brieven 660 en 537 (Theo van Gogh) - 1888
Impasto
Letter of August 13^th, 1888 to Theo van Gogh
Letter of October 28^th, 1885 to Theo van Gogh
Collection: Look at me
Tribute to: Van Gogh, Vincent

The clouds heavily

sail through the lake of my eyes --

Swans are flying up.



Zwaar varen wolken	Wolken segeln schwer
door het meer van mijn ogen --	durch den See meiner Augen --
Zwanen vliegen op.	Schwäne fliegen auf.

Poem H0732
Amsterdam, 2014-02-04
Leda, more lively posessed than nature (Paul Éluard) - 1949
Poem "Léda plus vive possédée que la nature" (collection "Léda")
Collection: Shelter
Tribute to: Ãluard, Paul

Zywa Light version of the night

Without any prospect, it's cold
and silent, however graciously
the wind may play with the snow

Behind the window across the street
children eat sweets and watch
the whirling ballet

the herring gulls in the ice-hole
they keep open, white
bobbing gulls in black water

and on the surrounding grey of ice
black spots of coot are stepping
through the white flood of flakes

the light version of the night
there is not much left
the world is closing, I miss you

I watch and linger and wait
no, not for you, for something
in myself that is not yet there

my thoughts dissolve
in the snow, like lights
that loom up and extinguish

Poem 162
Amsterdam, 2011-01-02
Collection: Moons

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